Feb 23, 2010
Talking about:
1 posts
108 visits
108 visits
suboxone
Feb 23, 2010
I've been editing this page and rewriting it for a few months now, trying to find the right words to explain my sitation without sounding like someone that just wants a hand out. After realizing my life is still is just passing me by with each day ending as depressing as it began for me. Let me quickly tell you a little about myself and some of the accomplishments I've made over the last 4 years. I'm a single mother of 2 gorgeous girls. They truely are what has kept me going and given me the strength to wake up each day and take that baby step toward my next goal. They are ages 3 and 10. When I became pregnant with my 3 year old, I quickly realized how fast my life had spiraled out of control and that if I didn't move home (parents) to make some major life changes I was going to end up losing my children and possible eventually myself. My Mom and Dad welcomed us with open arms and at first things were great! At least until my addiction to prescription pills got out of hand. I put them through so much and I suppose I can't blame them for the resentment they still feel toward me even after being sober for 3 years now. Well it will be 3 years in 2 months but you get my point ;) After I became sober I quickly realized that I had some major underlying problems. I was trying to self medicate to ease the pain. I was really scarred from a physically abusive relationship with my children's father. I was with him for 7 long and painful years. It finally came to an end when I ended up in the hospital for broken ribs and several life threatening injuries from the beating I recieved while he was drunk on a rampage. Thank God my parents let us go home. I've been here since and our relationship has gone from tolerating each other to emationally abusive. There have been a few times that it's gotten physical. The hatred I saw in my fathers eyes before he pushed me down to the ground brought up so many HORRIBLE memories. I feel stuck and my depression is really taking its toll on me. I do my best to be a good mother and no matter whatI do I'm always wrong in parents eyes. They degrade me in front of my girls and tell them how worthless I was and that they shouldn't listen to someone that is a "druggy". I could go on but you get the point. I need out and it feels hopeless. I have no car, no job because I live in the country and without a car I can't get to school or find a career. I've quickly gone from being in a physically abusive relationship but working 3 jobs and feeling like a decent human being to what my parents refer to as their druggy daughter they can't get rid of. My mother has always resented me from the time I was a child and honestly never liked me. I'm finding it so hard to be honest here because I really do love my parents and the thought of leaving here scares me. I just feel like a child and I'm a very mature, independent (believe it or not ;) woman who is stuck in a horribly scary situation with no hope to get out. I'm seeking anyone that can guide me to any kind of help or advice on how to start over with nothing and no help. I'm ready emotionally, and being sober 3 years even through this I know I won't have an issue continuing it. I am no longer a smoker and actually have been a very clean and organized person for over a year now. (If you knew me before, I was just depressed and it showed all around me :( I got my GED a month after getting sober and was so excited to start college but without a car I was just out of luck. I know I'm rambling but you get my point :)
If I found someone who could take me under their wing I know I would be a successful single mother working as many hours as it takes to give my girls the life I know they deserve. I know my parents will be there for them and unfortunately they can't forgive my past and move forward. It's just to hard for them and honestly with what I put them through I don't blame them. I just wish I could do something to show them I'm a better person with values and morals now. I miss the feeling of having two parents who love me. I feel like I have no one. Honestly I don't have anyone but my girls and each day that passes I my parents try to pull them farther and farther from me emotionally.
I just feel like I have so much to offer and no one to share it with. I like to think I'm pretty smart, very creative and LOVE to draw, graphic design and anything with computers are what I do when I'm shut in my room escaping reality. It's time I reach out. I know there has to be someone or something out there willing to give me a hand up but not a hand out. I'm ready and I believe my actions the last few years show that I'm not just talking the talk but ready to walk the walk.
I am actually suffering form a broken leg right from taking a fall while tripping over a toy while doing housework. Being the stubborn woman I am and not to mention being that girl that always cried wolf in my past I didn't make it to the hospital for 3 days. I was hopping and crawling around like a nut until my father finally insisted I go to the ER. I happily obliged and to my surprise, I was hopping out with a cast on and scheduled to see an ortho surgeon 2 days later. He quickly scheduled me for surgery the next morning at 12 pm (sidenote: 12 pm?? what happened to morning surgery?? I was sooooo hungry after fasting since midnight!! :D) It happend so fast that I almost didn't have time to realize how much this was going to change my life. I went into surgery and had 2 plates and several screws put in 3 weeks before Christmas. It was so emotionally painful on top of physically painful for me after surgery. I have been on 800 mg Ibuprofin ever since and I truely believe God must have been giving me the strength to fight my pain without even the thought of taking something that would put my sobriety in jeapardy. It's now January 4th, 2010 and while I'm hopping on crutches in my hot pink cast, I'm ALIVE! I know there is something out there God has put me here to do and I intend on breaking through all my roadblocks until I find it. This broken leg has actually been a blessing in disguise because it snapped me back into reality. I had sunk into such a depression after I realized that my actions ultimately lost me two of the people I was trying so hard to make proud of me. It's so confusing because I feel like I've come so far and to stop now would be a shame. My parents beg to differ. They would say that I'm worse now than I have ever been. When I cry, which is a lot lately my mother tells me that I chose to be a single mother and put myself in this situation so stop martyring and start changing and do things the right way! I just wish I knew what the right way is. I point out all of my accomplishments and even remind them that I have CHANGED through actions like going above and beyond with housework (even with my cast on, Ive learned to vaccum, and kept the entire house with the exception of their room (which they keep locked at all times STILL) spotless. My mom just insists that I owe her so much more and that a clean house or a mopped floor isn't going to make up for the years of misery I've put her through.
Just in case you have skipped my long drawn out story to this part I'd like to quickly list my accomplishments the last few years. I really cant believe how much I have accomplished without the support of family or friends. I can honestly say I've done it alone. I successfully completed GED classes & passed my test with flying colors! YAY!, I've been able to stay drama free (which was a huge issue of mine when I was taking pills) and through the grace of God I've been sober for 3 years (well technically it's 3 years in 2 months but who's counting other than ME!). I am the room mother for my daughters class and PTO Mom, I also coach cheerleading and softball. My grandmother took a fall and broke her hip 2 years ago. This blessing in disguise gave me a feeling of accomplishment and gave me the opporunity to be there for her. I basicially took care of her day and night with no help from the other family. It's amazing how people distance themselves in crisis. I've gone from completely disorganized to clean and clutter free. Ive quit smoking thanks to my handy little e-cigarette. If you dont know what that is please ask me. I have helped my grandmother, 3 uncles and brother all quit smoking with this genius invention. I'm not lying. Its that amazing and I cant believe its not more popular. I also was able to get my drivers license back after 5 years. I spent numerous hours in class again and saved every penny to afford the insurance. It was such a wonderful feeling even if I didnt have a car. They don't make it easy to get them back thats for sure. I could write all my little baby steps Ive taken but I think you get the point with my bigger accomplishments. My biggest one though has definately been finding God. Hes given me the power and strength to fight for the my children and I deserve. I have the motivation I once lacked again! Thank you for reading my story.
